coming back!

~~I am back, it has been to long. My heart was in the right place once this blog was started but i just had NO time to actually sit and write. But as of today, I need to be here, I need to write daily,, not only for myself, but for others out there who have some of the same struggles, I don't want anyone to feel alone~~Which are some horrible feelings, I want to be a blessing to others:)
So we headed to Missoula last week to meet with the audiologist....knowing very well that is was time, our options were limited and we needed to start the path of the cochlear implant! I always knew that we would end there...(and ending it not a good word to use) but I had NEVER even opened a book or a phamplet on the cochlear implant, I felt so uneducated and so new....which in reality I am ....I cant answer questions, but i know how I feel. I felt so incompetent as a mother, so guilty, lonley sad and ALONE. I sat back about a week after crying and not getting out of my pajamas....I realized i was morning her loss, I was sad. My guilt came from being selfish that i was experincing these feelings, for as it was her who should be feeling these feelings. Aubrey did infact struggle, she is having a hard time understading where she fits in...how to cope with hearing the birds chirping one day then the next week not being able to hear yor mom say "I love you" it is a battle, but today I realize that It is healthy for me to greive as her mom, but we are strong~~~

the path twords cochlear implants....

When we got the news that Aubrey was hard of hearing and we knew it was progressive loss, we knew that one day she would need a cochlear implant. I never looked into it back then I just left it alone until the day would come.....that day is now here!
I am feeling so overwhelmed, scared, concerned, sad.....even angry! We met with the surgeon in Missoula, Dr, Vonorten and I am not doubtng his ability just his ability to conect with the family....not sure that makes a ton of sense!
The thought of the cochlear implant was scary to us, i would always in a heart beat give Aubrey what she wanted....but is this right for her? I just am not sure of that answer. I love my girls more then life itself. I HATE to see the sadness and hear the comments as such. I remember i used to hear your voice and now i cant, or i hope i never forget what the kitty purring sounds like, ughhh such a long road ahead