another rough day!

morning....
My night has turned to day! I have paced the floor all night, been watching countless infomercials...and drank to much!
Another day to make in the history of our lives. It is Christmas break a time where the kids drive you crazy because they are so "bored" Well Aubrey and her best best friend have been inseparable, not surprising...but a true comfort to see! Yesterday afternoon when AUbrey came home, with Thrya in tow:) she was down, i was reading not happy vibes off of her. sitting at the kitchen table, talking about life ~~after the 10Th...huh, what mom, I asked Aubrey if she had her hearing aide in...The tears started coming...and they were unstoppable! "Mom, this new hearing aide is just not doing what it was doing for me in the beginning, I feel like i cant hear what i could" ~~~ in my gut i wondered also if things were getting worse, hearing more what mom's and seeing more frustration. I cant ever tell Aubz I understand, i have learned that lesson, I DON'T have ANY idea. But my heart aches, I see her sadness and she her struggling to fit into the conversation...or see her eyes locked on the lips of who are talking. I knew! Sitting at that table, seeing those tears I just wanted to go RUN, run somewhere far...hide and cry, sob...I am a mother who is suppose to fix things, I am suppose to make it all right, I cant! I have NO control!
I asked Aubz bestie if she cried during those moments. (she has somewhat of a similar loss) I asked her if her and her mom have "these" kinds of conversations...How does she deal with feeling like more is gone. " i cry too, it hurts, its devastating...and Aubrey and i get each other so i can always talk to her about it" I know deep down I am not the only one...I am not crazy, but at times this feels so isolating, so horrific..I feel so alone! and the crazy part is while Aubrey is grieving a loss, we as her family are grieving too. I hurt so bad last night, I emotional hit a wall...I needed to feel the power of love, and i was EMPTY!
This morning....
It is a new day, I am sure here soon I will be sad. But I started off my day with a Aubrey hug...told her i loved her the mostest and told her that she was a awesome girl! I had coffee with a friend and dang those two hours were so needed. I am taking today hour by hour. I am going to enjoy this piece of the Christmas break and make some cookies with the girls.
~~This blog is my way to be able to write what i think and what i feel....it is my place to just be me. I don't have to pretend to be strong, I can fall apart. I will never pretend here. I will be ME, I will never apologize for how I put it or what i said. I feel that we as parents, siblings, mothers and grandmothers of kids with a hearing loss....we need to be supportive. Thanks for listening