~~Where does the time go~~

Another almost 4am night! I am just laying in bed thinking of....EVERYTHING, should we do volleyball, where am i going to find the CD Madie wants for Christmas? ughh, I need a vacuum...what can i call the mom's group i wanna start so badly? I wish i wish I could sleep! Does the landlord realize what he is doing? Maybe I should start a load of laundry....and the list goes on and on.

I talked to a friend tonight from my Missoula days, who is struggling with the feeling of "being powerless" a feeling that i can relate to. Her kiddo, her life long 4 legged "daughter" is on her last few days. The unconditional friendship Zoe has provided...the countless love and affection, she has given so much comfort is now limited. My friend feels helpless, she feels powerless. The pain is real~ it is a true ache. I have had this family on my mind and heart...I cant imagine saying goodbye to that unconditional love, that true friend...that love that on a bad day, took away that empty feeling and gave you such a powerful feeling. I have always said that the unconditional love a dog/cat brings to the table is so powerful!

I relate to the feeling of feeling powerless, feeling like I, a mother cannot fix! I am suppose to be the one that makes it all better. I am the one who provides the answers. I am the one who give my all...why, because I am a mother and that is what my job is. I do understand that I am trying, I am searching for answers, I am going to no end to provide.....but then that little piece inside says "are you really" and challenges me! How I can be my own worst critic.

~~Christmas is a few days away, and i am looking forward to this time where my family, my love my life and my passion can be together. Frank and I can sit back and watch Aubrey and Madeline smile...giggle and be in delight. We can share moments of this crazy life and love one another! I am thankful for my husband of 15 years, who has given me every ounce of his heart...who has cried with me, held me and cherished me. He who has given me a family, something that i longed for...something that I wanted more then anything. We are parents~~we may not be perfect, we may fight and we may slam doors, but at the end of a long day....I believe in, I trust and I am so proud of!

To my beautiful daughters....you are AMAZING. I was told i would not understand the amount of love until i held you in my arms, and that is so true! I am so grateful for this path, I am so honerd to be your mom. I am so proud~~I sat back earlier tonight watching you girls practice signing a Taylor swift song together...to make it perfect. I turned off the TV and shut my eyes. The tears came down but my heart was so full of pride, joy and LOVE. To see you two do something with such power, together....I love you Madie....My Aubrey!